life in a nutshell 

what a difference a year makes.  yesterday marked one year that my marriage ended.  today is his birthday.  i’m no further along than i was a year ago.  i’m in the exact same place in life.  i’m jobless and living with my parents.  so much has happened in the last few months.  

i had a nervous breakdown about a month ago.  i’d been living with my aunt taking care of her. i was constantly getting bitched at, she was mean, and i had a hard time having to make her drinks every night. it got so bad that that one night i broke down and bought wine. my kid found out and came and yelled at me and took it away.  i’d never even opened it.  i just sat on my bed crying and rocking back and forth staring at it. besides, i guess if i’d really wanted to drink all i had to do was go to the kitchen.  

that really scared me so i found a mart meeting and went the next morning. when i got back, i said i needed to go to the bank and asked my aunt if she needed anything. my cousin was there so she want alone.  she told me i’d already been gone all damn day and i needed to stay home.  i. lost. my. shit. i came to my parents and said i couldn’t do it. someone was gonna have to go get my shit because i was done. i didn’t go back. she moved a couple of weeks ago to kentucky with her son.  i feel bad, but i’d tried telling people i needed help. no one listened and it took me acting like a fucking psycho to get my point across. 

so now i’m back at my parents. my mom isn’t drinking right now i don’t think. we’ve had to put her in detox three times this year. it’s been a mess for real. i didn’t speak to her for a week at one point. i’d asked her several times if she’d been drinking. i could smell it, she acted like it, and i saw the brown bag inside her work bag.  she swore she hadn’t.  she got up to “go to the bathroom” and wasn’t so sneaky pulling out the bag.  i got up and snatched it from her and cussed her like a dog.  i was upset at her drinking, but got me was lying straight to my face.  if she would have been honest with me, i wouldn’t have gotten so angry.  i can get over her drinking, but not lying to me.  she went to detox a week later. she’s only had one slip (that i know of and she’s admitted to) since. 

i’ve also been kinda dating.  nothing serious, and nothing that has worked.  i tried the wheel tinder thing. i met someone and we hung out a couple of times but he rarely texts me anymore, plus he lives about an hour away.  i met another guy and it was just weird so i didn’t reply back after that.  my best friend is getting a job at a vape shop, and is trying to hook me up with her soon to be boss.  the other day she called and said he was asking about me.  we went in about a month ago, he wrote his number down for me and her, apparently i missed the cue that he wanted me to talk to him.  so i hung up with her and texted him.  she had stopped by the shop and asked him if i’d texted and he said yeah but he was so busy he couldn’t text back as fast as he wanted to. later that evening he invited me over and we stayed up all night long watching the entire season of stranger things. i feel kinda bad, he only got a couple of hours sleep and had to work the next day.  me and my friend went yesterday because i “needed new juice” and he was working. i had a really great time with him.  he’s really nice, and i’m not sure how to handle that. lol. so we will see if we talk longer than a few days.  i hope so, because i really did feel something there, and i haven’t felt that in many years. 

but i have found my soul mate.  he is beautiful.  he is always there for me, he helps me learn and grow, and i can put my hands on him the right way and magic happens.  i’ve wanted him since i was a teenager.  and now i regret passing him up all these years when i could have easily picked him up.  yep, i’ve wanted to learn to play the guitar since i was a teenager.  i have always thought that being able to play was the coolest thing ever. but it was always one of those things where you say you want to do something, but never do anything about it. i assumed you had to have natural talent or you just couldn’t do it, and i obviously didn’t have hat talent. finally i said fuck it and went and bought one. i’m teaching myself and i take a lesson once a week at the music store. i can kinda play four and a half songs.  my kid brought me her electric guitar to play around with and i’m in love so now i want to get my own. lol. one day i will be playing on a stage. i don’t care if it’s some dive bar, but i want to play for others. 

so that’s kinda life in a nutshell at the moment. messy, chaotic, magical, and not hungover. can hall believe i have 21.5 months sober now!? 

Advertisements

endings and beginnings

this past week has been such a roller coaster of emotional everything.  i lost some people who were very dear to my heart amid some back stabbing, mean girl, high school type bullshit drama.  my heart hurt, a lot.  not only for myself, but for my whole group of friends.  its been crazy, but i have learned many lessons this past week, and i have no doubt that the rest of us will heal, and my group of friends that have remained will become closer.

amid this drama though, some pretty damn amazing things have happened as well.  i’ve been talking to someone since my birthday, and there is a possibility of a future relationship.  we have said from the very beginning that we will take things slow.  he is a friend i went to school with.  i had the hugest crush on him all through high school but always thought he was way too cool and cute for me.  he said he always thought i was gorgeous but we were both way too shy to ever say anything back then.  he messaged me late at night to wish me a happy birthday.  he said he hoped i’d had a great day.  i said it was ok, but very emotional and that divorce sucks.  he had no idea i was separated, i guess he missed it when i posted something about it.   he jokingly started hitting on me, and i hit right back on him, then it turned into seriously hitting on each other.  we are both really busy, but would meet occasionally.  he has been super awesome.  he’s been there when i was lonely.  he’s helped me through depressed nights when i thought i couldn’t go on.  he has been so patient with me, waiting, knowing i was going through a separation and was emotionally very fragile, never pressing or pushing anything.  so, i’m excited to see where things go from here.

on friday night, i finally got to live out a dream i have had since i was about 5 years old.  i got to go see new kids on the block live!!  omg it was great and they are still just as fucking sexy as ever.  boyz II men was also really good.  i’ve never been much of a paula abdul fan but she did put on a really good show.  then sunday, me, my 17 year old daughter, and a good friend went to see roger waters of pink floyd.  it was one of the best concerts i have ever been to, and i’m so grateful that i got to share such an amazing experience with my daughter.  me and her have another concert of wedensday that i am really looking forward to as well.  its a small band from chicago called the kickback.  we saw them back in may when they opened for bush and we both fell in love with the band and the singer.  haha

so yeah, an emotional week, but im healing, and i’m rising back up even stronger.  just you watch.

curve ball

changes! life has thrown me another curve ball. so, i moved in with my great aunt who is 83 because she needs someone to be there with her.  that’s been very interesting. she drinks nightly.  she also takes a lot of medications. she doesn’t get plastered, she has two or three drinks, but when it mixes with her medicine, it affects her.  i’ve started making her drinks with half the amount of alcohol she normally puts in.  she hasn’t noticed yet. she sits there and cusses at her tv all night. sometimes it’s quite amusing, sometimes she gets super annoying.  i don’t say anything, because how do you say something to the worlds most stubborn old woman?  part of me doesn’t blame her, i’d probably wanna forget the shape i was in if i were her. i’ve mentioned that alcohol might mix with her pain medicine (she takes strong medication) but she says she doesn’t get drunk, and gets grouchy. but, all in all, it’s not bad.  

i’m super glad to be out of my parents house, it’s a complete shitstorm here.  daddy bitches at mama and tells her he can’t drink,  mama hides it and has people sneak it to her.  daddy drinks next door at his brothers.  my dad asked if he was wrong by telling her she can’t and he still does.  i said yes, she’s a grown woman who has to make her own choices and you can’t control her.  i also said it’s pretty shitty he gets mad at her for hiding it when he does the same thing. he said it’s not the same thing, she has a problem and he doesn’t (he’s a normal drinker). i said yeah but you’re still hiding it from her.  he says it’s because if she knows it’s around she will drink it all, so he doesn’t bring it here.  he’s also an asshole to her, but i didn’t got into that.  

i just try to stay in my own little bubble doing my own thing. i hit 18 months sober on saturday. can y’all believe that?  a lot of you were here when i was still drinking snd struggling.  EIGHTEEN MONTHS!!  that’s a year and a half!  i am still in disbelief about that.  i never thought i would stay sober this long.  i had the intention for quitting for a year, but no intention on actually drinking after that, the year was just my goal.  so to surpass that, and a huge accomplishment in itself. 

i finally have what i want.  my life isn’t ruled by alcohol any longer.  it hasn’t been for a long time, but recently i’ve just been thinking about it.  there were many years i drank almost every night, so not a day went by i wasn’t thinking about alcohol or drinking.  yet, alcohol is still a huge part of my life because of being in the middle of my parents issues (i’m an only child, so i get it all).  seeing them makes me so much more grateful that i am no longer stuck in that vicious cycle, and that i stopped my problem before i let it cause real and major issues in my life. 

a live without alcohol is much more glorious than i ever imagined it would be.  i really had no expectations on what sobriety would be like when i first got sober, so it’s all been a surprise.  some good, some not so good, but all of that has gotten me to a pretty happy place right now.  i just block out my parents bullshit, and other than that, life is grand.  i’m moving forward, i’m learning and growing, and new opportunities are opening up.  

i just got back from a retreat and became a certified fairyologist, and got a faerie reiki master attunement.  i have lots of cool ideas for that.  i’m hoping to start teaching yoga soon as well st our goddess temple. i’m ready to get out there and start doing things for myself and others.

still. 

long time no update. not that anything has changed in the last while.  i’m working a lot. two jobs. still doing the priestess training. still nowhere with the divorce. i’m about ready to look for a new lawyer. still living at my parents. 

about the only exciting things to happen, i hit 500 days sober last sunday, and my kids had birthdays this week. my oldest turned 17 and i’m kinda having a crisis about that.  i can’t believe i have a 17 year old. 

maybe one day i will have more interesting things to write. 

don’t you carry stones in your bowl of light

the first valentine’s day after ending my marriage.  not so bad really. we never did anything, got presents, or celebrated it really, so even when i was married valentine’s didn’t mean a whole lot to me.  and still doesn’t. i thought i’d be super sad today, but i woke up feeling good, to a hot guy singing to me (because i have music playing constantly).  how i can i be sad?  i’m pretty awesome i think, and i enjoy my alone time so i don’t mind being my own valentine. 

the other night, i decided i wanted to learn to play the ukulele so i started picking around on my daughters and i loved it so much that i went and bought one for myself for valentine’s day.  a nice one too. i’ve learned a few songs on it so far.  i am super loving it.  i’ve always wanted to learn to play the guitar, but when i tried to learn my fingers wouldn’t physically bend for some of the chords. my ukulele is so much easier to learn and i’m having a lot of fun with it. 

i have to work tonight, i hope all the lovey dovey people tip well. 

not again.. 

i have yet another sinus infection. remember a while back when i said i found out that the emotional root of sinus infections is irritation to someone close? i guess it figures i wake up with a horrible sinus infection the day after i give my initial divorce papers to my lawyer to file. but, that’s done and over with. since i don’t know how to adult most of the information was blank. it was all financial shit, that he knows and i don’t but the lawyer said he could work with what i had. i’m ready for this to be done as quickly and painless as possible. i’m having lots of mixed emotions about it. one minute i’m fine, the next i’m a mess.  
other than that things are pretty good. i have 405 days sober today. almost 13.5 months. honestly, i don’t even think about sobriety and recovery anymore. thinking of a time where i drank every single night seems like such a foreign idea. alcohol doesnt exist in my world anymore. like, i know it’s there, but it never enters my mind. i’ll be having a super stressful day, and hours later i’ll see some stupid meme about alcohol and it makes me realize that alcohol is NOT my first solution anymore. in fact, i’m like “woah, i got through that and never even thought about drinking.” i’ve found somewhat healthier ways of dealing with stress such as an unhealthy crochet addiction, writing, and snapchat. add reikichristi and see the singing bunny. you’ll be amused. or check them out on my instagram which is also reikichristi. 
i must finish getting ready to go to work, just wanted to say a quick hello to everyone, and can you fucking believe i haven’t drank in 13 months!? 

a year without alcohol

last new years eve, i had my last glass bottle of wine.  i was tired, and had to work the next morning so i went to bed well before midnight. i had no intentions of quitting drinking.  the next couple of days i just wasn’t feeling it. then i got the idea “how much different would my life be if i didn’t drink alcohol for one year?”  ha! what was i thinking?  I could hardly make it three weeks before giving in. what on earth made me think of wanting to try for a year.  so began my #alcoholfree2016 journey.  

so, i wanted to see how much my life could change if i didn’t drink a bottle of wine every night.  there were so many changes.  some great things, and some not so great things.  somehow, i stayed sober though it all. many times it was pure stubbornness to reach my goal. some days i almost gave up. i had to reach out for help. because i couldn’t do it anymore, i needed someone else’s strength. but eventually i have regained my own strength. 

january was a pretty easy month.  i didn’t have any real cravings or urges, until the last day of the month after spending the day in the hospital with my grandmother. i began my priestess apprenticeship in january.  in february, i lost her.  if you were around back then, you probably remember how bad that fucked my world up.  but i stayed sober. also in february, i got my yoga teacher certification. in march, i finally went public with my recovery and my year without alcohol journey.  i was so terrified, but i got nothing but love and support from so many people. in april, i took my youngest daughter to her first concert.  we saw nahko and medicine for the people.  in may, my husband and i both admitted that we were unhappy, and we both agreed to work on things.  in june i went on an amazing retreat in north carolina. i experienced a lot of growth and healing there.  I also got certified as a smart recovery facilitator.  in july, i told my husband that things hadn’t seemed to be changing.  i felt like i was putting way more into it than he was.  i was giving all my energy to it, but getting nothing in return.  i was exhausted. once again we agreed to work on things.  in september i went to california for the goddess festival and then chilled out on the beach for a couple of days.  while i was there, my mom had been staying at my house because of drama with my dad over alcohol and her drinking and she had a seizure at work.  she was ok though. in october, i completed my certified ethical psychic course. then, the day before the husbands birthday, i told him i couldn’t keep doing this, that nothing was changing, and he didnt seem to want to try.  id suggested counseling and several other things, none of which happened or he seemed interested in.  he finally told me that he didn’t love me anymore like a spouse should and knows he can’t give me what i want and need. we agreed to end the marriage. i was heartbroken, but i kinda knew it was coming.  i felt relief having closure and hearing the truth.  ive been a stay at home mom for nine years with a part time job the last almost three years, so i figured i desperately needed money so i got a job waiting tables in november. i like it for the most part, and i like  most of the people who work there. some of us will go over to one girls house and hang out sometimes.  we like to dance in her kitchen and oh it’s so much fun!  my cousin works there too, so that’s fun.  it’s nice.  december was hard and emotional. my favorite uncle died the day before my birthday.  and it being the first holidays without my grandmother and as a single woman.  

it’s been a crazy year. my life changed in so many ways, some of which i never expected. but i know everything happens for the best, and im ready for things to start getting better. im learning to let go of the past, and slowly learning how to be an adult. im super proud of myself for reaching my goal and i look forward for what’s to come.