still. 

long time no update. not that anything has changed in the last while.  i’m working a lot. two jobs. still doing the priestess training. still nowhere with the divorce. i’m about ready to look for a new lawyer. still living at my parents. 

about the only exciting things to happen, i hit 500 days sober last sunday, and my kids had birthdays this week. my oldest turned 17 and i’m kinda having a crisis about that.  i can’t believe i have a 17 year old. 

maybe one day i will have more interesting things to write. 

don’t you carry stones in your bowl of light

the first valentine’s day after ending my marriage.  not so bad really. we never did anything, got presents, or celebrated it really, so even when i was married valentine’s didn’t mean a whole lot to me.  and still doesn’t. i thought i’d be super sad today, but i woke up feeling good, to a hot guy singing to me (because i have music playing constantly).  how i can i be sad?  i’m pretty awesome i think, and i enjoy my alone time so i don’t mind being my own valentine. 

the other night, i decided i wanted to learn to play the ukulele so i started picking around on my daughters and i loved it so much that i went and bought one for myself for valentine’s day.  a nice one too. i’ve learned a few songs on it so far.  i am super loving it.  i’ve always wanted to learn to play the guitar, but when i tried to learn my fingers wouldn’t physically bend for some of the chords. my ukulele is so much easier to learn and i’m having a lot of fun with it. 

i have to work tonight, i hope all the lovey dovey people tip well. 

not again.. 

i have yet another sinus infection. remember a while back when i said i found out that the emotional root of sinus infections is irritation to someone close? i guess it figures i wake up with a horrible sinus infection the day after i give my initial divorce papers to my lawyer to file. but, that’s done and over with. since i don’t know how to adult most of the information was blank. it was all financial shit, that he knows and i don’t but the lawyer said he could work with what i had. i’m ready for this to be done as quickly and painless as possible. i’m having lots of mixed emotions about it. one minute i’m fine, the next i’m a mess.  
other than that things are pretty good. i have 405 days sober today. almost 13.5 months. honestly, i don’t even think about sobriety and recovery anymore. thinking of a time where i drank every single night seems like such a foreign idea. alcohol doesnt exist in my world anymore. like, i know it’s there, but it never enters my mind. i’ll be having a super stressful day, and hours later i’ll see some stupid meme about alcohol and it makes me realize that alcohol is NOT my first solution anymore. in fact, i’m like “woah, i got through that and never even thought about drinking.” i’ve found somewhat healthier ways of dealing with stress such as an unhealthy crochet addiction, writing, and snapchat. add reikichristi and see the singing bunny. you’ll be amused. or check them out on my instagram which is also reikichristi. 
i must finish getting ready to go to work, just wanted to say a quick hello to everyone, and can you fucking believe i haven’t drank in 13 months!? 

a year without alcohol

last new years eve, i had my last glass bottle of wine.  i was tired, and had to work the next morning so i went to bed well before midnight. i had no intentions of quitting drinking.  the next couple of days i just wasn’t feeling it. then i got the idea “how much different would my life be if i didn’t drink alcohol for one year?”  ha! what was i thinking?  I could hardly make it three weeks before giving in. what on earth made me think of wanting to try for a year.  so began my #alcoholfree2016 journey.  

so, i wanted to see how much my life could change if i didn’t drink a bottle of wine every night.  there were so many changes.  some great things, and some not so great things.  somehow, i stayed sober though it all. many times it was pure stubbornness to reach my goal. some days i almost gave up. i had to reach out for help. because i couldn’t do it anymore, i needed someone else’s strength. but eventually i have regained my own strength. 

january was a pretty easy month.  i didn’t have any real cravings or urges, until the last day of the month after spending the day in the hospital with my grandmother. i began my priestess apprenticeship in january.  in february, i lost her.  if you were around back then, you probably remember how bad that fucked my world up.  but i stayed sober. also in february, i got my yoga teacher certification. in march, i finally went public with my recovery and my year without alcohol journey.  i was so terrified, but i got nothing but love and support from so many people. in april, i took my youngest daughter to her first concert.  we saw nahko and medicine for the people.  in may, my husband and i both admitted that we were unhappy, and we both agreed to work on things.  in june i went on an amazing retreat in north carolina. i experienced a lot of growth and healing there.  I also got certified as a smart recovery facilitator.  in july, i told my husband that things hadn’t seemed to be changing.  i felt like i was putting way more into it than he was.  i was giving all my energy to it, but getting nothing in return.  i was exhausted. once again we agreed to work on things.  in september i went to california for the goddess festival and then chilled out on the beach for a couple of days.  while i was there, my mom had been staying at my house because of drama with my dad over alcohol and her drinking and she had a seizure at work.  she was ok though. in october, i completed my certified ethical psychic course. then, the day before the husbands birthday, i told him i couldn’t keep doing this, that nothing was changing, and he didnt seem to want to try.  id suggested counseling and several other things, none of which happened or he seemed interested in.  he finally told me that he didn’t love me anymore like a spouse should and knows he can’t give me what i want and need. we agreed to end the marriage. i was heartbroken, but i kinda knew it was coming.  i felt relief having closure and hearing the truth.  ive been a stay at home mom for nine years with a part time job the last almost three years, so i figured i desperately needed money so i got a job waiting tables in november. i like it for the most part, and i like  most of the people who work there. some of us will go over to one girls house and hang out sometimes.  we like to dance in her kitchen and oh it’s so much fun!  my cousin works there too, so that’s fun.  it’s nice.  december was hard and emotional. my favorite uncle died the day before my birthday.  and it being the first holidays without my grandmother and as a single woman.  

it’s been a crazy year. my life changed in so many ways, some of which i never expected. but i know everything happens for the best, and im ready for things to start getting better. im learning to let go of the past, and slowly learning how to be an adult. im super proud of myself for reaching my goal and i look forward for what’s to come. 

life and stuff

it’s been a while!  oh lots of changes have happened. i had a birthday, my favorite uncle died, and I moved back to my parents on xmas day. work is going good.  im staying pretty busy.  tonight was a friend from works birthday so i went over to a coworkers house and hung out and danced in her kitchen. 

i am two days away from my goal of one year!  can you guys believe that?!  ONE YEAR WITHOUT DRINKING!!!   i absolutely cannot believe it. a whole year. not single bottle of wine.  this year has been full of up and downs, losses, growth, and it’s been a hell of a time.  it’s crazy at how different my life is from one year ago. i honestly had no plans of quitting drinking one year ago. 

anyway, it’s 3 am, and i am way too old to be up this late.  one good thing about sobriety, i can party and remember it, get home safely, not pass out early, and not feel like shit tomorrow like others will. good night and take care.  

oops..i did it again 

not oops. it’s been planned for a while. the first one that has real, deep meaning to me, and that i paid for by myself.  it’s song lyrics, and written in the little kids handwriting.  the arrow is for a reminder that no matter jar far back in life I feel pulled or stretched to my limits, i haw the choice to let go and fly forward. 

clusterfuck of a day 

ohmygoddess. i. am. so. fucking. exhausted.  ive worked every day for the past eight days.  i was supposed to be off monday, but i picked up an extra training shift to make some money. after that, they told me if i felt like it, i could take a break and then put me on a two table section for the pm shift. so i took it. so i ended up working a double on my day off. i only worked one shift tuedsay, and we were only open for am shift on thanksgiving. six doubles in eight days. 

tonight i was a mess.  i had a party of seven, four drunk adults. they kept asking for food they never ordered.  one of the checks was messed up, an easy fix that i totally complicated. got it fixed. they said it was still wrong, so i got the manger, she ran it, and they were still not happy but said to just run it, then after realized that it was right the second time i did it.  that table literally had me in tears. the managers were cool and helpful, they knew they were pretty lit and that most of the issues weren’t my fault.  i was so ready to run out.  i told my cousin that i just couldn’t do it, im not right for this job. 

so many emotions were kicking in.  i was so frustrated, confused, angry at my husband for this whole goddamn thing.  all of this fucking stress is because of him.  i think he’s an asshole for not even giving a shit to try.  but, im over being heartbroken over him. he doesn’t love me, so maybe ill find someone who does one day.  i know one thing, i will never look for love again. i was young and just wanted to be loved.  so i settled for that first good thing that gave that to me.  i didn’t know who i was or what i wanted. i sure didn’t love myself. i needed someone to protect me. 

now, i realize i may just be able to do this. today, i spent way too much money on makeup.  the big kid was dying for some holiday special collection, and then i got us both an eyeshadow pallet. she picked me out a lipstick.  a little while ago we were talking, and i was saying i wanted two other things, she was trying to get me to pick the one she liked.  i had the money so what the hell, i got them.  im going to save the rest of it.  one thing i do love about waiting tables is making cash every time i work. and im making pretty good money.  they said the tips might be slow at first but once i got into the swing of things they should pick up. so that would be nice for sure. so yeah.  it was my treat to myself for working hard these past two weeks and busting my ass. go me.