what a difference a year makes. yesterday marked one year that my marriage ended. today is his birthday. i’m no further along than i was a year ago. i’m in the exact same place in life. i’m jobless and living with my parents. so much has happened in the last few months.
i had a nervous breakdown about a month ago. i’d been living with my aunt taking care of her. i was constantly getting bitched at, she was mean, and i had a hard time having to make her drinks every night. it got so bad that that one night i broke down and bought wine. my kid found out and came and yelled at me and took it away. i’d never even opened it. i just sat on my bed crying and rocking back and forth staring at it. besides, i guess if i’d really wanted to drink all i had to do was go to the kitchen.
that really scared me so i found a mart meeting and went the next morning. when i got back, i said i needed to go to the bank and asked my aunt if she needed anything. my cousin was there so she want alone. she told me i’d already been gone all damn day and i needed to stay home. i. lost. my. shit. i came to my parents and said i couldn’t do it. someone was gonna have to go get my shit because i was done. i didn’t go back. she moved a couple of weeks ago to kentucky with her son. i feel bad, but i’d tried telling people i needed help. no one listened and it took me acting like a fucking psycho to get my point across.
so now i’m back at my parents. my mom isn’t drinking right now i don’t think. we’ve had to put her in detox three times this year. it’s been a mess for real. i didn’t speak to her for a week at one point. i’d asked her several times if she’d been drinking. i could smell it, she acted like it, and i saw the brown bag inside her work bag. she swore she hadn’t. she got up to “go to the bathroom” and wasn’t so sneaky pulling out the bag. i got up and snatched it from her and cussed her like a dog. i was upset at her drinking, but got me was lying straight to my face. if she would have been honest with me, i wouldn’t have gotten so angry. i can get over her drinking, but not lying to me. she went to detox a week later. she’s only had one slip (that i know of and she’s admitted to) since.
i’ve also been kinda dating. nothing serious, and nothing that has worked. i tried the wheel tinder thing. i met someone and we hung out a couple of times but he rarely texts me anymore, plus he lives about an hour away. i met another guy and it was just weird so i didn’t reply back after that. my best friend is getting a job at a vape shop, and is trying to hook me up with her soon to be boss. the other day she called and said he was asking about me. we went in about a month ago, he wrote his number down for me and her, apparently i missed the cue that he wanted me to talk to him. so i hung up with her and texted him. she had stopped by the shop and asked him if i’d texted and he said yeah but he was so busy he couldn’t text back as fast as he wanted to. later that evening he invited me over and we stayed up all night long watching the entire season of stranger things. i feel kinda bad, he only got a couple of hours sleep and had to work the next day. me and my friend went yesterday because i “needed new juice” and he was working. i had a really great time with him. he’s really nice, and i’m not sure how to handle that. lol. so we will see if we talk longer than a few days. i hope so, because i really did feel something there, and i haven’t felt that in many years.
but i have found my soul mate. he is beautiful. he is always there for me, he helps me learn and grow, and i can put my hands on him the right way and magic happens. i’ve wanted him since i was a teenager. and now i regret passing him up all these years when i could have easily picked him up. yep, i’ve wanted to learn to play the guitar since i was a teenager. i have always thought that being able to play was the coolest thing ever. but it was always one of those things where you say you want to do something, but never do anything about it. i assumed you had to have natural talent or you just couldn’t do it, and i obviously didn’t have hat talent. finally i said fuck it and went and bought one. i’m teaching myself and i take a lesson once a week at the music store. i can kinda play four and a half songs. my kid brought me her electric guitar to play around with and i’m in love so now i want to get my own. lol. one day i will be playing on a stage. i don’t care if it’s some dive bar, but i want to play for others.
so that’s kinda life in a nutshell at the moment. messy, chaotic, magical, and not hungover. can hall believe i have 21.5 months sober now!?